Inbox: Encoding the “You can tell me anything”-Trap!
Posted by: Dani Caress on: February 6, 2009
What do I do when my girlfriend says, “You can tell me anything. I won’t get mad.”? Every time I go out without her, she asks me to tell her where I went, who I went with, and what I did and she’s on me until I tell her something…no matter what I say or don’t say, she ends up getting mad about something I did. Now, I’m confused and don’t know what to do–so now I just don’t say anything. Now she’s acting crazy and sending me text messages all the time when I’m out…trzz667
![Email me at dani[at]caress[dot]com](http://danicaress.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/danibw.jpg?w=128&h=90 "Dearest Dani")
Dani's Inbox: Email me at dani@caress.com
Okay, trzz…this is foreign territory for men. So foreign that I am currently working on a new book just for men: Keys to breaking a woman’s “code” language. But, more about that in another post. Let’s try to address this in a few words, if possible.
“You can tell me anything” is woman code for I am going to test how loyal and honest you are. Be careful here.
Put it this way: girlfriend to girlfriend conversations are full of half-truths and white-lies. Women lie to other women all of the time whether they are best of friends or enemies. They also lie to men. There are rules to how, when, and why women lie. It’s complicated. The point here is that you never want to tell her “anything and everything.” For example, let’s say you and the guys went to a friend’s party, had a few drinks, raised some hell, and your male friends dropped you home at 4:00 am. You remember only half of the night.
Before we go on, let’s add in the other code line, “I won’t get mad.”
Lie. Lie. Lie. This actually means, “I am going to tear apart everything you did with a fine-toothed comb and if I decide that you were loyal to me, then I won’t scream at you, and then give you the silent treatment for too long.”
Back to our example. How do you tackle her question if this was your harmless evening out with the guys?
Answer? “It was boring. So & so [male friend - never a female friend] had this lame get-together or barbeque [not a party]. ” She will ask who was there and she will suspect that there were women so she is testing your response. Try to remember [or make it up believably] the women that you did not find attractive or who acted ridiculously. Laugh when you recount the idiocies of one or two women, preferably women who are not single! Throw in a comment about how you like that she is not like those/that woman(en). Never add information!
Lastly, paranoid texting isn’t code, it’s a giant billboard screaming “I’m insecure!”
It’s time to rethink your options. If you like drama, mind-games, and insecure women, then you are with the right one. If not, then pay heed to your guy friends’ and girl friends’ opinions about your girlfriend and how your gut feels [not your other brain] about her. Understand that insecure young women in their twenties usually do not become fully secure with themselves until they are well into their thirties or more, if ever.
In sum, choose your words wisely and don’t fall prey to code traps! Women never want to know everything unless it’s all in their favor!
~dani
Exposed [A]
Posted by: Dani Caress on: January 30, 2009
- In: sex | Uncategorized
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Ladies, it’s time that I start dishin’ out the fiery tips that will keep your man wanting more!
You know what you like, be it soft, sensual flicks of an eager tongue or the soft caress of his warm masculinity at the small of your back. He wants to please you. Tell him what arouses you, what turns you on. Even better, show him.
He doesn’t want to play guessing games. Reach out, take his hand with yours, and show him how you find pleasure when he is away.
xoxo ~dani
Fantasies are a Girls’ Best Friend
Posted by: Dani Caress on: January 21, 2009
- In: fantasy | relationships | sex
- 2 Comments
I went blog shopping today. Blog shopping is window shopping for bloggers, I’ve decided. It is when we think we have something to say, to write about; but, we just cannot seem to wrap our imagination around it tight enough to actually produce anything with a point.
While blog shopping, searching for that muse, I tripped over a title and landed full-face into a screen screaming to be reviewed. Thought I would share for those of us who’s “been there” or “is there” or “needs to beware.”
Think back to your high-school days. Caution! Do so at your own risk. Whatever lurks in them there waters is yours to deal with. I am not responsible.
High-school. It is a rarity that one cannot remember to whom they were highly infatuated. Guys, picture that girl who whenever she crossed your path your heart and, perhaps, other body parts beat hard. You just knew that if you spoke your voice would sound like the soloist in the Boy’s Choir. Girls, we experienced infatuation a bit different. Remember how you would always manage to be present whenever he was walking between classes? Or, how you would choose what clothes to wear depending upon what your friend’s friend’s classmate’s friend had said his favorite color was? The dreams you dreamed during the day while the teacher talked about some boring history thing in class. Sorry guys, the girls got more “remember whens”; getting into a guys head was beyond me then…and…maybe now too.
Pure, lustful, pubescent infatuation. A beautifully tortuous thing. This ‘thing’ is the theme of the post I read. The difference be that the woman who wrote it is approximately 30+ years of age. She detailed her infatuation with a male “best friend” from high school. A boy turned man whom she followed cross-country merely to be close to him. She pondered in her post how long she would pine for a man whom she had never had sex with. Her words. I thought about her post and thought I would leave my comment here.
Before I comment, writer’s etiquette prevails. She, the author, goes by Jules333 and you can read her post titled “They Say it Takes 3 Months…” at Blogher [dot]com. Understand that I am not ridiculing Jules at all. Conversely, Jules poured her real self out for all to know and see. It takes guts to do that.
"So, what is really going on here?"
The first question she should be asking herself is why after fifteen-or-so years does she find him so intoxicating? Men, I would bet money that you have the answer to this one. Jules, you never had sex with him! You hinted throughout your entire post that you really wanted to have sex with this guy; but, he never once hit you up for it. You even questioned his sexual identity, thinking, perhaps, that he might be gay.
What is going on here is that when a girl or a guy has strong feelings for someone, someone that knows all of the good, the bad, and the really embarrassing stuff about them, and that person does not hit them up for sex (especially during the peak sex years of young adulthood), then that person becomes a conquest of sorts.
The way I see it is that you and he shared intimate moments together that only two best friends could share. Your heart was hooked. Then, your life moved on, you met other guys, had relationships, had sex…etc. But, this guy for reasons you could not understand just would not hit on you in that way. Of course, you wonder, you question, and you become like the high-school girl who always shows up where that guy is. The hunt is your addiction. It is the thrill of the quest that keeps you from being able to let go. Had you actually had sex with him that night in the car, we would not be discussing this topic right now. The ecstasy would be over.
Sometimes, it’s more thrilling and exciting to leave our remembrances, our daydreams alone. Don’t try to figure them out or put a name to them. If no one is being hurt, then relax and enjoy the fantasy. I doubt you are in love with the man, Jules. You are in lust with a school-girl’s crush. And, when your body is grayed and wrinkled with age, your daydreams become the most treasured secrets of youth.
Enjoy the thrill of the lustful fantasy. Reality just screws it up.
~dani
Let’s Talk Sex
Posted by: Dani Caress on: January 18, 2009
Ah…”Hello 2009…”
This year is all about change, I hear. One of the largest changes for me so far this year is putting myself, Dani Caress, on the Internet.
Over lunch, my agent and dearest friend ever, Jada*, told me that if I really wanted to empower women [and men too] with the tools for unleashing sexual confidence, I just had to start a blog or create a website or go social networking or blah, mumble, murmur…I love her dearly; but, she has this way of speed-talking in run-on sentences that causes my mind to wander off somewhere. “Well?” This was her way of testing me, to know if I really was listening to her or not. “Absolutely,” I said with enthusiasm!
Unleash your inner-power through sexual confidence
Ladies, you know when your guy is rambling on-and-on about the horsepower and torque of his future fantasy car, and you have this amazing ability to say “uh-huh,” “wow,” “cool” while staring right at him, smiling and nodding; but, your mind is busy visualizing the endless choices of what you should wear when you go out later? Well, it doesn’t work as well with your intimate women friends.
Her tone started to get that now, you better listen to me, or else sound too it. “The Internet, Dani. You need to become more socially web accessible. You know, change things up in your life.” I literally could feel the zinging pang of the nerve that she hit.
Dani Caress is Talking Sex
I’ve been working with men, women, and couples for years now, first as a therapist helping others to learn how to apply changes in their lives to mend relationships, and now as a sex consultant and confidence coach. “For Peter’s sake [ an inside professional joke that I like to say in serious times like these], I am a change professional!” I thought out-loud.
After two glasses of wine and a tiramasu that I refused to share, I finally agreed. Since I was drafting an outline for a fun approach toward gaining confidence through sexual fantasy foreplay, Jada suggested that I incorporate my coaching techniques into a blog and offer my services online. Not to worry, I ‘m a published free-lance writer hobbyist so my writing skills aren’t too bad. Thanks, WordPress™ for helping me out with my first post. You know, the one that starts, “Hello World!?” Okay, then. Hello World!
~dani
*Name changed because she didn’t want to go public…ironic.
Talk to me!