Ok, Dani, interesting.
Very interesting.
I have two questions. One question is regarding a true (and fairly recent) experience of mine. The second one is a follow up to your post remarks.
Last year–summer, to be more exact, I met a woman. I’m not sure how important it is, but I will also mention that she is about ten years older than me. Well, She is attractive by my standards, however she is the one who noticed and approached me first–in a somewhat round-about, indirect way. The sparks flew right away (physically, anyway). We exchanged numbers. Later, after a conversation or two on the phone, we agreed to meet one late afternoon/early evening for a kind of get-to-know-you picnic on one of the lawn areas at Millennium Park, Chicago. We had the whole sha-bang: food, wine, and good music emanating from the orchestral auditorium nearby. As one might hope, our laughter was punctuated by the sort of “deep, meaningful” conversation that allowed each of us to get a better feel of who the other might be like. Of course, this helped to accentuate the sensuous petting and caressing with which we indulged. It went so well, it was many hours before our night ended and we parted company.
In hindsight, I probably could have enticed her to sleep with me that first night, but I actually found (as I had hoped) that I had a genuine interest in this woman as a person and not just a sexual conquest. So “pushing it” didn’t fit into my agenda at the time. However, it wasn’t long before we had a second date–at which point it soon became clear to me that she “wanted it” as much as I did–if not more. I won’t say where, but we had sex–very, very good sex–that night (again, our second date) in a public place where there was lots of traffic. Both of the vehicular and pedestrian kind. She now gave me a pretty good idea just how carnally ferocious she could be. Of course, I loved it. And our physical relationship from then on took off at light speed (Although we tried several times to sit down and watch a movie together, I don’t think we ever got half way through before we were ripping each other’s clothes off with rabid hunger).
Now, you remember that old saying, “If something appears too good to be true….? Well, it wasn’t too long before little flashing warning signs began to rear their worrisome heads.
Subtle and seemingly reasonable at first, her behavior began to change. She started asking questions about my past, about other relationships, my personal habits–as if probing to discover some elusive bit of evidence to support (or, worse yet, fuel whatever unspoken suspicion seemed to be lurking just beneath the surface of her churning thoughts. At first, I deflected them easily, attributing her behavior to what I believed was what any newly acquainted couple might need to endure during their initial phase of familiarity (you know, the “growing pains” of a new relationship).
But then it got worse. Very, very worse.
Before long, Dani (our relationship actually only lasted about a month, by the way), I started to experience the whole “third degree” action mentioned by the other guy in your post: repeated, frequent texts conveying nonsensical messages about how much she missed me, followed by how come I hadn’t called or texted her right back (even though I had just spoken with her earlier that morning telling her I’d be tied up with business for a few hours and wouldn’t have time to talk until later that afternoon. I even told her what the nature of my business was); indirect and even direct accusations about my need to be honest with her, to just admit if I’m seeing someone else (even though I wasn’t and never had any intention of doing so). etc. She even pressed me about my internet usage: have I ever gone by any other alias; have I been on any dating websites, have I met people on these websites–if so, what did I tell them and why. Once, after I had to drive into the city on urgent business, she outright accused me of lying to her about where I had gone, saying that I couldn’t possibly have gone to the city and gotten back in the time I said I had (she marked the time by calling repeatedly during my trip to ask where I was). It just kept getting more and more eerie to the point where I couldn’t help but speculate that she might be clinically paranoid.
It finally came to a head (no dirty thoughts, please) after we had one big and final blowout over the phone–the blowout coming equally from her and my end. We had had a talk like this one before but it was clear by then that it hadn’t been resolved to her satisfaction. At last, I told her that I just couldn’t take having her hawking me–either through phone calls, texts, or whatever–every day, several times a day, calling me a liar, demanding that I step up, be a man, and confess my infidelities. I told her that if she was unable or unwilling to trust me and accept what I said (I’d already been more than patient and generous by indulging her suspicious mind by explaining just why her distrust was so unfounded), then it was better that we split up. Though more than a little angry at having for weeks been put through the ringer, I wished her well and hung up. No name-calling or snide remarks (well, maybe a few snide remarks on my part). And that (thank God) was the last I’ve heard from her.
Okay, that’s the back story, Dani. Here’s my question. Aside from the possibly clinically psychotic implications I just alluded to–and I mean this with the greatest respect for womanhood I can muster, why is it that women are so blinking insecure? What is it about the female psyche that compels some women (and I’ve met so many) to think and act so irrationally toward men or even in general? I mean, I know that a lot of men ARE dogs. Some men can’t be trusted much. But that works both ways, right? Is it mental conditioning? Hormones? Genetic mutation? What?
Alright, now for the second question.
What really irks me, what has always irked me, about women (at least so many of the women I’ve met in life–is it just me?) is that apparent inability to just say exactly what they mean. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t side-step an issue. Don’t say one thing when you really mean something else. Don’t take it for granted that men are mind readers or can sense what any woman is feeling at any given time–especially when they’re working so hard to be deceptive. I know men are from Mars and women are Venus, right. And maybe it’s genetic that men and women filter the world through different colored lens. But is this something that women are taught to be? Is the cause cultural, chemical, environmental? If a woman is in full command of her faculties, it just makes more sense to me that it is clearly counter-productive to any relationship to use tricks or treachery to test or tow a man into line. Sure, employing tactics like saying, “You can tell me anything, I won’t be mad” or posing subtle questions with the hope of garnering a self-incriminating slip of the tongue might work on some guys some of the time. But when that guy realizes what that woman is doing, it’s more likely to foment even greater resentment and distrust. This is poison in any relationship. And if the guy really is a gem with a heart of gold to begin with (or close to being one), such parlor games might turn him into the very thing a woman might be accusing him of. After all, what incentive would a guy have of remaining trustworthy or loyal to a woman if she continually tries to instigate ways of validating her belief that he isn’t?
I know this is long, Dani. But I hope you’ll write a response to this. Even a short one would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Nick 8)
![Email me at dani[at]caress[dot]com](http://danicaress.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/danibw.jpg?w=128&h=90 "Dearest Dani")
February 7, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Ok, Dani, interesting.
Very interesting.
I have two questions. One question is regarding a true (and fairly recent) experience of mine. The second one is a follow up to your post remarks.
Last year–summer, to be more exact, I met a woman. I’m not sure how important it is, but I will also mention that she is about ten years older than me. Well, She is attractive by my standards, however she is the one who noticed and approached me first–in a somewhat round-about, indirect way. The sparks flew right away (physically, anyway). We exchanged numbers. Later, after a conversation or two on the phone, we agreed to meet one late afternoon/early evening for a kind of get-to-know-you picnic on one of the lawn areas at Millennium Park, Chicago. We had the whole sha-bang: food, wine, and good music emanating from the orchestral auditorium nearby. As one might hope, our laughter was punctuated by the sort of “deep, meaningful” conversation that allowed each of us to get a better feel of who the other might be like. Of course, this helped to accentuate the sensuous petting and caressing with which we indulged. It went so well, it was many hours before our night ended and we parted company.
In hindsight, I probably could have enticed her to sleep with me that first night, but I actually found (as I had hoped) that I had a genuine interest in this woman as a person and not just a sexual conquest. So “pushing it” didn’t fit into my agenda at the time. However, it wasn’t long before we had a second date–at which point it soon became clear to me that she “wanted it” as much as I did–if not more. I won’t say where, but we had sex–very, very good sex–that night (again, our second date) in a public place where there was lots of traffic. Both of the vehicular and pedestrian kind. She now gave me a pretty good idea just how carnally ferocious she could be. Of course, I loved it. And our physical relationship from then on took off at light speed (Although we tried several times to sit down and watch a movie together, I don’t think we ever got half way through before we were ripping each other’s clothes off with rabid hunger).
Now, you remember that old saying, “If something appears too good to be true….? Well, it wasn’t too long before little flashing warning signs began to rear their worrisome heads.
Subtle and seemingly reasonable at first, her behavior began to change. She started asking questions about my past, about other relationships, my personal habits–as if probing to discover some elusive bit of evidence to support (or, worse yet, fuel whatever unspoken suspicion seemed to be lurking just beneath the surface of her churning thoughts. At first, I deflected them easily, attributing her behavior to what I believed was what any newly acquainted couple might need to endure during their initial phase of familiarity (you know, the “growing pains” of a new relationship).
But then it got worse. Very, very worse.
Before long, Dani (our relationship actually only lasted about a month, by the way), I started to experience the whole “third degree” action mentioned by the other guy in your post: repeated, frequent texts conveying nonsensical messages about how much she missed me, followed by how come I hadn’t called or texted her right back (even though I had just spoken with her earlier that morning telling her I’d be tied up with business for a few hours and wouldn’t have time to talk until later that afternoon. I even told her what the nature of my business was); indirect and even direct accusations about my need to be honest with her, to just admit if I’m seeing someone else (even though I wasn’t and never had any intention of doing so). etc. She even pressed me about my internet usage: have I ever gone by any other alias; have I been on any dating websites, have I met people on these websites–if so, what did I tell them and why. Once, after I had to drive into the city on urgent business, she outright accused me of lying to her about where I had gone, saying that I couldn’t possibly have gone to the city and gotten back in the time I said I had (she marked the time by calling repeatedly during my trip to ask where I was). It just kept getting more and more eerie to the point where I couldn’t help but speculate that she might be clinically paranoid.
It finally came to a head (no dirty thoughts, please) after we had one big and final blowout over the phone–the blowout coming equally from her and my end. We had had a talk like this one before but it was clear by then that it hadn’t been resolved to her satisfaction. At last, I told her that I just couldn’t take having her hawking me–either through phone calls, texts, or whatever–every day, several times a day, calling me a liar, demanding that I step up, be a man, and confess my infidelities. I told her that if she was unable or unwilling to trust me and accept what I said (I’d already been more than patient and generous by indulging her suspicious mind by explaining just why her distrust was so unfounded), then it was better that we split up. Though more than a little angry at having for weeks been put through the ringer, I wished her well and hung up. No name-calling or snide remarks (well, maybe a few snide remarks on my part). And that (thank God) was the last I’ve heard from her.
Okay, that’s the back story, Dani. Here’s my question. Aside from the possibly clinically psychotic implications I just alluded to–and I mean this with the greatest respect for womanhood I can muster, why is it that women are so blinking insecure? What is it about the female psyche that compels some women (and I’ve met so many) to think and act so irrationally toward men or even in general? I mean, I know that a lot of men ARE dogs. Some men can’t be trusted much. But that works both ways, right? Is it mental conditioning? Hormones? Genetic mutation? What?
Alright, now for the second question.
What really irks me, what has always irked me, about women (at least so many of the women I’ve met in life–is it just me?) is that apparent inability to just say exactly what they mean. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t side-step an issue. Don’t say one thing when you really mean something else. Don’t take it for granted that men are mind readers or can sense what any woman is feeling at any given time–especially when they’re working so hard to be deceptive. I know men are from Mars and women are Venus, right. And maybe it’s genetic that men and women filter the world through different colored lens. But is this something that women are taught to be? Is the cause cultural, chemical, environmental? If a woman is in full command of her faculties, it just makes more sense to me that it is clearly counter-productive to any relationship to use tricks or treachery to test or tow a man into line. Sure, employing tactics like saying, “You can tell me anything, I won’t be mad” or posing subtle questions with the hope of garnering a self-incriminating slip of the tongue might work on some guys some of the time. But when that guy realizes what that woman is doing, it’s more likely to foment even greater resentment and distrust. This is poison in any relationship. And if the guy really is a gem with a heart of gold to begin with (or close to being one), such parlor games might turn him into the very thing a woman might be accusing him of. After all, what incentive would a guy have of remaining trustworthy or loyal to a woman if she continually tries to instigate ways of validating her belief that he isn’t?
I know this is long, Dani. But I hope you’ll write a response to this. Even a short one would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Nick 8)